Thoughts on Remission…

Told to the nurse taking my blood: I’m in remission

To my new co-workers: I’m in remission

Announced, by the pastor, to the church: She is in remission

To my Sunday School class: I’m in remission

In an e-mail to my aunt: I’m in remission

In a card to my uncle: I’m in remission

To myself, over, and over, and over, again: I’m in remission…I’m in remission…I AM in remission…I am IN remission…I am in REMISSION…remission…remission…remission…remission…

No matter how many ways I try it on…the phrase ’I am in remission’ fits like a pair of gloves that doesn’t keep out the cold…you wear them because they are cute…you wear them because you are in a hurry and they are the first pair you see…they are not the gloves you go to when it is –10 degrees, and the ice is 1/4 of an inch deep on your windshield…they are not the gloves you wear when you shovel the front walk, or use to keep your hands dry when wiping the snow off your car (because your trunk is frozen shut and you can’t get to the snow removal brush…)

remission sounds great…it is pink and versatile (converting from finger gloves to mittens)…you show it off (“see my new gloves?”)…you might even get a matching scarf (“the doctor says my cancer has shrunk so completely there is NO scar tissue”)…it is something you buy on sale…the expense doesn’t do much to the budget…but they do a lot for your attitude…

it is not the waterproof pair…the pair that keeps your hands warm when the wind is biting…the pair that does not let the snow and cold in…that word would be CURED and that won’t come for 5 years and a lot of tests from now…

the word remission does not erase the emotion of the last year…I mean the cancer was aggressive…it TOOK OVER my face, neck, chest, and abdomen…it stopped me from being able to breathe or swallow…and caused me to cough up blood for days…

having something so completely take control of your life, WITH OUT YOUR PERMISSION…messes with your head…as I continue to get comfortable with this new word…

remission…I can feel the stress of the last year start to slowly melt away…with each opportunity I get to share with someone the good news…it becomes less fake and more real…and one day soon…I will tell someone, or myself that ‘I am in remission’…and I will FEEL the excitement that I see on others faces…I will allow the thick skin that has built-up to thin out…

I will cry, I will…but this time not because I am scared…not because I can’t breathe…and not because I am coughing up blood…

but because I am relieved…the kind of relief that I think a parent feels when they find their child after having lost them in a crowd…I will allow myself to exchange the pretty pink gloves for the practical waterproof pair…because I want to be warm again…and in being warm…I will allow myself to expect more out of life…I will allow myself to start implementing all the lessons I have learned (and there are MANY)…and I will find purpose in the process…

4smartmonkeys said…I’m super happy for you!!!

November 10, 2010 at 7:47 AM Rachel said…I am so thrilled to hear that you are in remission. You have walked a journey — with bravery, faith, hope and joy. I am really, really proud of you.

November 11, 2010 at 1:21 AM elena said…Such wonderful news! 🙂

November 11, 2010 at 10:06 AM Lynnette Kraft said…PRAISE GOD!!!! What wonderful news April! So so glad I stopped by and read that. Just keep on rejoicing and hollering out – I’m in REMISSION! 🙂
Love,
Lynnette