Kicking my Butt

Chemo is kicking my butt…the first treatment I was, for the most part, feeling normal by the Wednesday after…this time, I am still recovering and it is just a big inconvenience…I’ve been shaky, and exhausted for days now…I thought maybe it was anemia (because, you know, I think I can diagnosis myself) but after talking to a nurse from the cancer center, I think that it is just the effects from the chemo…In my head things would be the same as (or very similar) to the first treatment, but the nurse said that this is normal and that the second time you may feel worn down longer and that it may just compound with each treatment…She said that around 7 days out from chemo is when my counts will be the lowest and I may feel the worst…I can’t articulate how frustrating it is that the answer to most questions is that ‘no one reacts the same’ ‘some people work through chemo great, and some people can’t’…I want something/someone to tell me how to feel…living with depression and anxiety I have learned when I can do something despite my FEELINGS..I have learned what I have to do to be accepted by a …Read more

“C” is for Chemo Day Dos

Yesterday was chemo day…It was LONG…I was up before 6:00 at the cancer center at 7:00 got blood work, saw the doctor around 8:30, and started chemo around 9:00…finally finishing around 2:30.I brought my laptop and a big bag with letters to write and books to read thinking I was going to have a lot of down time…I had a lot of downtime, just not the coherent kind that would allow for productivity…Along with various anti-nausea medication they gave me Benadryl directly into my blood stream (I’m not sure why)…Now, you think that Benadryl makes you tired in pill form…This stuff KNOCKS you OUT! I got SO tired SO fast…Needless to say I will not be bringing quite so much with me the next time…The rituxan they give takes the longest part of the chemo treatment and it makes me REALLY hot, so I had to request a fan that I used the whole time…the good thing was that this time my blood pressure did not get high. Between high blood pressure and being hot I think being hot is the better choice…Mom came to visit me at lunch and brought some breadsticks and cheese sauce from a local pizza …Read more


I have been really anxious and overwhelmed this week and today it has culminated in my being really emotional, impatient and in a horribly bad mood.It is chemo week (this Friday) and the anticipation is not good…I know that I am just making it worse thinking about it but I’m not thinking about it on purpose…I promiseI’m having issues with my PICC line….there is trouble with the dressing because the tape is making my skin raw and causing it to break out so I can’t tape up the floppy ends. I went in Monday to have it changed there was an infection around the insertion site, so I am now on an antibiotic…then today after getting of the shower (where the dressing did not get wet) it was really humid and I noticed that the bottom of the dressing was unstuck, so I have taped it closed but I guess I will have to go in tomorrow to get it changed AGAIN…I hope I’m not the only person that has this much hassle with their line. It is really stressful…I will just die if something happens and they have to take it out and put another one in…I just want to …Read more

I have a new DO…or is it UN-do?

Last night mom shaved my head…The last couple of days have been really rough…I think I am finally absorbing the gravity of what is going on physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, and whatever other allys there might be…It felt good to cry, or, you know, hyperventilate…take your pick…ever wanna curl up in a ball and disappear for a while, or want your pet to be the one to pet you? I’m sobbing in bed and Little Bit finds my hand and demands I pet her, cracks me up!Daily there is at least one medical bill in the mail…today it was like four…and the problem with medical bills is that they aren’t just for 15 or 30 dollars…no they are for 250 here, 700 there, another 1200 over there…even knowing things are being worked out and I shouldn’t be as worried as I am…it doesn’t make those HUGE amounts any less stressful…I called Medicaid and they have mailed me some releases to get information from the doctors, I will fax those back Monday, who knows how long things will take once they are in their hands…I spent about two hours on the internet trying to figure out why everyone seems to think …Read more