I was going to, but then…

Today I was going to reflect on a part of my story when I realized that anxiety and the need to control our environment go hand in hand…Only, I am going to put that off until tomorrow because today I am struggling…

I ache for this to be a safe place for you, so I am going first trusting it is a safe place for me…There has been something about hitting the 3rd month of being on unemployment that has been incredibly unsettling…panic has taken over the peace I had just two weeks ago…

Last week I had two job interviews…Saturday I found out I didn’t get a secretarial position, and today I found out I didn’t get a daycare job…the daycare job said they really wanted to hire me but, they could not come close to my prior salary and that she was just “going to put my file away.” Not knowing what to say, I said nothing…should I have said regardless of my previous salary please pick me? I would have been paid 40 dollars more a week than unemployment…it would not be enough to pay my bills…but neither is what I am collecting now…

I am- stressed- discouraged- more anxious than usual- feeling like a failure- overwhelmed- lost- feeling guilty- finding it hard to get out of bed – little to no appetite I am sharing this not for sympathy or pity…however, I would not turn away some encouragement…but I am sharing this to be honest with where I am today…I still firmly believe that God is in control, and I have seen what can only be Him intervening and providing and that he honors the work I am doing personally and in my job search…I am just weary…As I was writing, something else came to mind…

November 4th I will celebrate 3 years in remission from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…remission has never been a comforting word…not having insurance for the last few months I have missed one doctors appointment and am coming up on missing another…The cancer center says don’t worry about money, we don’t want you to miss your appointments and here is a financial aid application…I appreciate it, and have filled out the application, hoping to turn it in later this week…but, I will worry about the money thank you very much…

These ‘anniversaries’ of the day I was diagnosed, or the day I was told I am I am remission always trigger intense emotions…I almost feel ambushed by them…there are smells that remind me of when I was in the hospital, and when I get a CT scan I flash back to the FIRST scan and all those feelings come rushing to the surface…Maybe this is why my emotions feel so disproportionate to the situation…if so, there is nothing I can do but acknowledge and FEEL them…

There was a lot of beauty in my journey through cancer, I will continue to be thankful for who it allowed me to become and use these moments to propel me in the work that I am trying to accomplish…I am going to close with sharing the post I wrote on November 10th 2010 just days after being told I was in remission…

Told to the nurse taking my blood: I’m in remissionTo my new co-workers: I’m in remissionAnnounced, by the pastor, to the church: She is in remissionTo my Sunday School class: I’m in remissionIn an e-mail to my aunt: I’m in remissionIn a card to my uncle: I’m in remissionTo myself, over, and over, and over, again: I’m in remission…I’m in remission…I AM in remission…I am IN remission…I am in REMISSION…remission…remission…remission…remission…no matter how many ways I try it on…the phrase ’I am in remission’ fits like a pair of gloves that doesn’t keep out the cold…you wear them because they are cute…you wear them because you are in a hurry and they are the first pair you see…they are not the gloves you go to when it is –10 degrees, and the ice is 1/4 of an inch deep on your windshield…they are not the gloves you wear when you shovel the front walk, or use to keep your hands dry when wiping the snow off your car (because your trunk is frozen shut and you can’t get to the snow removal brush…)remission sounds great…it is pink and versatile (converting from finger gloves to mittens)…you show it off (“see my new gloves?”)…you might even get a matching scarf (“the doctor says my cancer has shrunk so completely there is NO scar tissue”)…it is something you buy on sale…the expense doesn’t do much to the budget…but they do a lot for your attitude…it is not the waterproof pair…the pair that keeps your hands warm when the wind is biting…the pair that does not let the snow and cold in…that word would be CURED and that won’t come for 5 years and a lot of tests from now…the word remission does not erase the emotion of the last year…I mean the cancer was aggressive…it TOOK OVER my face, neck, chest, and abdomen…it stopped me from being able to breathe or swallow…and caused me to cough up blood for days…having something so completely take control of your life, WITH OUT YOUR PERMISSION…messes with your head…as I continue to get comfortable with this new word…remission…I can feel the stress of the last year start to slowly melt away…with each opportunity I get to share with someone the good news…it becomes less fake and more real…and one day soon…I will tell someone, or myself that ‘I am in remission’…and I will FEEL the excitement that I see on others faces…I will allow the thick skin that has built-up to thin out…I will cry, I will…but this time not because I am scared…not because I can’t breathe…and not because I am coughing up blood…but because I am relieved…the kind of relief that I think a parent feels when they find their child after having lost them in a crowd…I will allow myself to exchange the pretty pink gloves for the practical waterproof pair…because I want to be warm again…and in being warm…I will allow myself to expect more out of life…I will allow myself to start implementing all the lessons I have learned (and there are MANY)…and I will find purpose in the process…

Carelessly,

April