Thoughts on Radiation…

awhile ago I shared my thoughts on remission, sitting here with my neck red and hurting, I think it is time to share my thoughts on radiation treatments…

as the doctor said this afternoon, when I told him to be careful of my neck when he was examining me… “it isn’t a trip to Cancun is it?”…yep doc, you said it…you may leave sunburned but there is no ocean to swim…

Let me elaborate…on Monday I was discharged from radiation, everyone was excited except me, I was so tired of going and had emotionally detached 3 sessions ago…the thing about radiation treatments are that the side-effects come slowly…they sneak up on you like a super secret ninja…about a week after starting my throat hurt so badly when I swallowed that I could not eat and lost 8lbs a couple of weeks ago and about 3lbs this week..we stopped treatment while my throat healed and then the skin around my neck started getting red…it got progressively worse until we are where we are now…my neck red, dry, scaly, and sensitive…have you ever had to scratch a sun burn? No? well let me tell you it hurts…the only treatment is to several times a day slather my neck with either a Vaseline type cream, or silvadene…

oh and don’t forget the fatigue…that is the sneakiest ninja of all…you can be sitting down and feeling fine until you get up to actually do something and BAM! forgetaboutit…you are stuck…last week we went to the mall, got a GREAT deal on Bath and Body Works soap (I love how they smell) 75% off baby! we stocked up since the nearest B&BW store is an hour away…if you have ever been to the Evansville mall you know that Bath and Body Works store is at the very front of the mall…after that store I was exhausted…I couldn’t carry my purse or the shopping bag…

I felt so helpless and frustrated…I just wanted one regular day out where I didn’t feel sick…

I guess that day will come later, huh?I don’t have any profound thoughts on radiation other than… while the side-effects are lesser than chemo, it gets you in other ways…having to go EVERY day for treatment, can be a little emotionally draining…

this afternoon I asked the doctor when I could expect to stop thinking that everything that happens is a symptom of cancer…he said that if I was like him, I would never stop thinking that a change in anything physically could be a symptom…then he said something that helped me relax…Dr. M said that they have me under such a magnifying glass that they would most likely know something before I did…and so I relaxed for the first time since being told I was in remission…I scheduled a few more blood works in the next month along with a CT scan and another doctors appointment…I’m anxious to get the CT scan, I am convinced that the cancer is in me growing and that I am going to be told I have to start chemo again…I need to be told different…I need to know that my CT scan is clean…the last scan was in October…