Sufficient Grace

This is a bit of a disjointed post and maybe that reflects my state of mind…I don’t know…what I do know is that I will continue to be transparent…journey with me or not, know that I like living an open life and those who know me know my heart and that is safety enough for me…

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.2nd Corinthians 12:7-10 (The Message)This week has been been two bad days and two good. Monday and Tuesday were the worst…I was super nauseous and just the thought of food made my stomach churn…I couldn’t walk more than a minute before having to sit down, while making toast on Monday I couldn’t even stand there to wait for it to pop up…it was pathetic!Sleep hasn’t been as refreshing as I though it would be #1 because I am being woken up at 5:30 a.m. every morning for the PICC-Line…and #2…in an effort to be ‘real’ I’m going to share that…apparently chemo=constipation (something I’ve never had a problem with until the last three weeks or so)…I’m taking pills twice a day, eating bran flakes every morning, and drinking some dulcolax dissolved in juice twice a day…I am not exaggerating when I say that last night I dreamt about pooping…seriously, it is outta control…all sense of privacy is apparently gone when get diagnosed with a serious illness…Dr. M has been adamant that this can become a serious problem if we don’t stay on top of it so I am doing my best to follow all directions…just as I am trying to do with all his directions…I may not be a rule follower, but I know when I have to buck up and do what I am told…I’ve had people ask me if I have been sick a lot and I have to say, I think, I would rather have thrown up more than I did if it meant that I wouldn’t have had a constant sour stomach…we took like 7 of those blue collapsible bags from the hospital to put around the house incase I can’t get to the bathroom in time (which I gotta say that is a possibility, the urge to purge just comes outta no where sometimes) they are small (easy to hide), and so nice to have on hand… Wednesday:I had to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. for a PICC line dressing change, blood work, and doctors appointment. So after mom woke me up at 5:30 to flush the PICC line we wrapped it up in plastic wrap and foam tape so I could take a shower and get ready for my morning…The night before I was really worried I wouldn’t have the energy to get to the hospital on my own and was pleasantly surprised when I got out of the shower and I didn’t want to collapse…That was the start to a good day, I ran some errands after the doctors and then came home for a nap…The doctor said that my lab work looked good, that I was doing everything right, and that the bone marrow looked good (which I am assuming to mean that there is no cancer in the blood marrow)…He said because of that I am stage 3 lymphoma…I go in weekly to get my PICC-Line dressing changed and May 14th is my next scheduled R-CHOP chemo treatment…I will go in around 7 a.m. and be there for a good 8 hrs because I will first get blood taken and see the doctor before the chemo starts…Wednesday night I was excited to get to go to church and see everyone…mom was concerned with touching and hugging so she bought me some antibacterial hand stuff on her way home from work (such a mom thing to do), I know they said I need to be careful and that the chemo really upsets your immune system but I am not sure to what extent I need to be careful and that is a question I need to remember to ask the next time I am there…I do well enough isolating myself from the world when I am not sick so I don’t want to use this as an excuse to crawl even more into myself…Church was great…it was not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be,…I am glad I went and will try to continue to be venerable, open, thankful, and loveable through this…I am changing as my world changes, and so far the good out weighs the bad…how crazy is that? Thursday:Today, I felt just a little bit better and was able to sweep the house, clean a little and finish up unpacking and organizing things from when I was gone…it feels SO GOOD…all that is left is to fold those three loads of laundry I washed…unfortunately no matter how long I look at them they do not hang and fold themselves…anyone have any tricks to get those clothes moving on their own?God continues to be faithful in meeting our needs…needs we never even knew were coming…who would have thought about supplies for flushing the PICC-Line every 12 hours and 6 prescriptions when getting discharged from the hospital…certainly not me…I’ve never done the hospital thing before and I am blissfully naive and inexperienced when it comes to things like that…As we try to be responsible with what God is supplying, we are able to meet our immediate and near future needs…this is of course an amazing blessing for me, but more over and calming for me, I feel it is a HUGE blessing for my mom, she has had such a great and supportive attitude through this, never mentioning my having to miss work and possibly work part time when I return…(according to how my chemo schedule works out)…her attitude my entire life has been to work hard, do what you can, and figure out the difference…she has never told me I can’t do something and has always supported as much as she can in the choices that I make…she believes in what I am capable more than I…and works harder than anyone I know…she sure doesn’t deserve to have a daughter with cancer…Hey, did I mention, I have cancer (it is still not registering with me so, I need to bluntly say it once in a while)Last night I was thinking about how inconsistent and unfaithful I have been in following God’s path for my life these past (almost) 29 years…then I thought about how blessed we are to serve a God is who is consistently faithful to his children…P.S. A couple of days ago I was alerted through an e-mail of something going on, and while I am anxious to share I want to wait until I have all the information…first clue…it is pretty AMAZING!

Robin said…Hi April!I”m so glad that you are doing well! I’m really amazed at your openness and honesty about all that you are going through. You are such a strong woman and I”m so very proud of you for facing this illness straight on. You go, girl! I look forward to reading your blog posts every day. You are one of the bright spots in my day! I’m pulling for you and know you’ll jump this hurdle in no time! I know you can do it!Thanks so much for sharing yourself with all of us reading your blog.Hugs!Anonymous said…Love the blog… Glad you are feeling a little better! MindyApril 30, 2010 at 12:13 AM 4smartmonkeys said…I’m so glad you are feeling a little better. Keep that great attitude, and know you have lots of people pullin’ for ya :)Hugs,RebeccaMoowee said…Chemo sucks! I had the same poop problem and my Dr told me to do whatever it took to poop. I had suppositories which are all kinds of fun. I noticed that my nausea was much better after I went. It must have been the last step for getting that nasty stuff back out of me. Maybe you will notice the same thing. Good Luck!