Rubbed Raw…

Rubbed raw…describes perfectly the emotional state you are left in after two years of working intensively with families at imminent risk of having their children removed…

we have 28 days…28 days to make a difference in a lifetime…and more regularly…28 days to make a difference in GENERATIONS of bad choices, unhealthy relationships, drug use, neglect, and sexual abuse…

yesterday, hours after hearing an update from a ‘longer-term’ therapist regarding a family I had just closed, a brake-down occurred…the grumpy, impatient, and short-tempered April that is usually camping out in my little toe, came up, traveled through my heart, and out my mouth… surprised at my attitude, and disappointed in myself I laid on the couch and cried…

Now, in the midst of the crying you are clueless as to the cause, it is only after the tears are dried that you can asked yourself…”what the world?!” and the ‘world’ was the feeling of failing the client…most importantly failing the children…this was when the realization, that my job coming to an end in three weeks may be a blessing, hit me in the gut…

Guys, I am tired…emotionally exhausted by a job whose expectations are sometimes (a lot of the time) unreasonable…emotionally exhausted by a job where the stakes could not be higher…emotionally exhausted having to drive an average of 2500 miles a month…(this past month is was 4000 miles, and let me tell you, I’m close to never wanting to drive again, NEVER EVER!)

Last night sitting down with the numbers, subtracting expenses from the expected unemployment benefits, calculating the mileage checks that will be coming in, and the vacation time pay-out that will be received…everything came out on the positive… monthly expenses will be covered…this exercise provided peace… peace that while I had not been planning for the possibility of the grant not being renew, my God had…and as always his plan came out for my good…

questions that remain…

-can I do work this intense again?

-do I WANT to do work this intense again?

-are there other options in social work beside grant based, lots of strings attached, suck the life out of you, positions?

-would I rather be a receptionist in a doctors office?

-am I meant for something totally different?

These questions and more are to be pondered, and prayed over during a vacation to Texas planned for the week after my job is done, to visit a close friend, laugh, heal, and remember some amazing times in our lives together…

The timing of this trip has the hand print of God’s divine provision and I am convinced their home will be a the safe haven I need to regroup…

Carelessly,

April