Powerful…

Powerful is one word to describe my experience this morning at the hospital…but we will get to that in a moment because another word to describe my experience would be frustratingFirst, I’m unsure why they require you to come in 30 min before your appointment for the soul purpose of waiting in their waiting room, maybe they believe they will be ahead of schedule…then when you get in the dressing room they don’t have your size of gown (which the nurse tried to call “misfiling” maybe if this wasn’t the first time this has happened…) so now you have waited a half an hour AND you are half naked walking down the hall trying to cover your backside with a robe…once in the CT scan room, they ask you ALL the same questions they asked yesterday on the phone…Then they try twice, unsuccessfully, to start an IV (which really hurt by the way) before realizing they can access my port and have someone from oncology come down and stick me there which is way less painful and much more successful…Once laying down on the CT machine the MALE technician asks you to scoot down toward your feet…Sure sir let me go ahead and get this gown bunched up so much more that maybe my neck will stay covered…yeah, I asked for a blanket before I would move…needless to say after having worked all night, drinking two of those wonderful bottles of banana flavored barium…staying up for this appointment…waiting for a half hour in the waiting room…and being unnecessarily stuck twice…I was just a little frustrated…perturbed…patientless…so there is my little story…and I get to do it all again on Thursday (there’s another mystery, why couldn’t they do both of them at the same time…that would be crazy and you know efficient!)Now on the powerful portion of my story…About a quarter way of through the scan I started crying…I was laying there in a hospital gown feeling vulnerable…with my arms raised above my head I had flashbacks to when I was first diagnosed, and all the feelings of fear and helplessness I had…I remembered that horrible week of radiation treatments where there were multiple times I had to keep my arms above my head for 45 min at a time topless, while people were drawing on my chest…I remembered how exposed and humiliated I felt…I remembered how sick I was and that this is serious…When I get chemo in the cancer center I am allowed to keep my regular clothes on…the atmosphere of the cancer center is such that you don’t feel so much like you are in the hospital…I’ve never forgotten I am sick, the effects of chemo don’t let me forget…but I haven’t felt so acutely exposed and out of control since being diagnosed and it was a little bit too much to bear today…After the scan I cried…I cried as I left the hospital…and I cried on the way home in the car…and you know what it was good…I needed it…Until Later, Friends!

Robynn’s Ravings said…April, I’m so sorry. And I’m also sorry I haven’t been by here. Life has been happening and I’ve even considered pulling my blog down. You are amazing to be going through this with such grace and I pray your full healing is right around the corner.4smartmonkeys said…April- HUGS! I’m sorry you have to feel so vulnerable. I hope this ordeal is over soon. Best wishes, sweetie!Anonymous said…Good morning, April!My heart aches that you had to go through all that with the CT scan, buuuttt….I laughed out loud at the picture of the doggie in the hospital gown!!! Total vulnerability. We’ve all (I think) been there. Anyway, thank you, you made my day. And that will be the picture I envision when I am praying for you on Thursday. LOLDianna Smith 🙂Robin said…Hang in there… I know it was a hard day for you, but you came through it with flying colors! You rock!