Kicking my Butt

Chemo is kicking my butt…the first treatment I was, for the most part, feeling normal by the Wednesday after…this time, I am still recovering and it is just a big inconvenience…I’ve been shaky, and exhausted for days now…I thought maybe it was anemia (because, you know, I think I can diagnosis myself) but after talking to a nurse from the cancer center, I think that it is just the effects from the chemo…In my head things would be the same as (or very similar) to the first treatment, but the nurse said that this is normal and that the second time you may feel worn down longer and that it may just compound with each treatment…She said that around 7 days out from chemo is when my counts will be the lowest and I may feel the worst…I can’t articulate how frustrating it is that the answer to most questions is that ‘no one reacts the same’ ‘some people work through chemo great, and some people can’t’…I want something/someone to tell me how to feel…living with depression and anxiety I have learned when I can do something despite my FEELINGS..I have learned what I have to do to be accepted by a society that can’t/doesn’t try to understand…I have learned to suck it up and do what I have to…I’ve learned how to not let it paralyze me…I am attempting to work five days this week, tonight is my second night…and I am just not so sure I am going to make it…I can’t clean like I am supposed to (which isn’t fair to my co-workers), and unfortunately my job isn’t one that I can just call in sick too, there has to be someone to cover me, I can’t just decide and hour before I’m to come in that I don’t feel like it…Thursday morning I got off work, went home and took a two hour nap before my appointment with the surgeon to discuss getting the port…the surgery is scheduled for this coming Tuesday…then I came back home and slept for eight more hours before getting up for work…I’m tired…feeling a bit defeated…and honestly I’m angry…Angry that my life has become dependent on others making appointments for me…angry that I don’t have a choice but to keep those appointments…angry that I have to care if my temperature is 99 degrees…angry that I don’t have the energy to think about doing a load of laundry, much less go and do it…angry that everyone says I need to take care of myself, that my health is important, but I still have responsibilities…angry that my mom has to take her vacation days to go to appointments and the hospital with me…angry that the mental exhaustion is hard to separate from the physical exhaustion…angry that I am bored because mentally I am awake but physically I don’t even want to get the paper out pick up a pen and write a letter…angry that I am feeling so weak…angry that I feel like I shouldn’t be sharing this with anyone (It is like all I see/hear are stories of people who got through cancer with a great attitude, and I don’t want to be seen as if I am feeling sorry for myself)…angry that I can feel really alone even though I KNOW there are a lot of people who care about me (am I really that ungrateful?)…angry that I’m not sure I can just ‘suck it up’ …The crappy honeymoon is over and I don’t remember saying ‘I do’…I have a much more positive post in the works so be looking for that…

4smartmonkeys said…I wish I had some magical words for you, all I can offer is a huge HUG and my support 🙂

Melissa Flick said…April–
Your heart speak volumes -more than you can ever know!
Someone once told me- Take things one day at a time, and remember as long as you give it your best shot, at the end of the day, that is all anyone can ask of you.
You be as angry as you want– cause sometimes life just sucks! But also know you are one brave cookie! =)
love and prayers—

Joyce said…What you write here each day will be a big help to others who may read this and are going through the same thing.
A big hug April. I wish you didn’t have to do this.

Letters Mingle Souls said…Much love and hugs to you, April. I think that taking things one day at a time is great advice. It’s good to go slow. Things will get better. I just know they will.

Big hugs!

May 21, 2010 at 7:17 PM Amy {Design Intervention} said…April – while I don’t understand fully everything that goes along with cancer – – I can totally relate to people expecting you to always be strong and always have a good attitude – – some days it just sucks and you don’t feel like fighting the fight and being strong for everyone else. I have learned that it is ok to be angry and – – this is a hard one for me – – to accept help from other people and admit that I can’t do it all. Hang in there my friend and remember, we are not perfect it is only by God’s strength that we can even continue on!

May 21, 2010 at 8:51 PM Anonymous said…Oh, April…you are TOTALLY entitled!! I want to rant FOR you, and I’m not even the one going through it!!
If anyone has a right to be angry, you are certainly on the list of those who do. It’s good to be angry, because it means you have a lot of “fight” in you.
I wish I could say or do something to take some of this off your shoulders..I really wish you didn’t have to work while you are going through all this..you really should be watching a lot of bad daytime TV and eating something you love, like ice cream or mac & cheese..comfort should be your mantra right now.
Is there any way you can take a leave of absence, and then go back after you get to feeling more yourself?

Big hugs, honey..you are not alone, a lot of hands are out here holding onto yours in spirit..
–Sandi– (candigirl from SwapBot)

May 22, 2010 at 1:52 AM Moowee said…I love that picture. It really shows how tired chemo makes you feel. I slept for days sometimes and was still tired. I also got insomomia sometimes. I was tired all day when I had to be up and too tired to sleep at night. It does SUCK to be so tired. I am cheering you on and praying for you too.

Don’t feel bad for being mad sometimes. Anger is sometimes the fuel that keeps us going.