Is it fair…

Is it fair…
that I am already upset with my doctor and the appointment isn’t even until Wednesday. I just know that I am not going to get the kind of answers I want. If I’m sick then I want to BE SICK, this prolonged state of just feeling like crap is, after almost three months, crushing me.

While I feel he is knowledgeable the last visit lacked any kind of knowing where we go from here…I mean regardless of what is going on I am just supposed to live with a fever every night, difficulty swallowing, crazy sensitive hearing and chest pain? My neck has been tender for the past four days or so (it feels like it is moving up my head and feels really numb like it is asleep or like I got a shot to make it numb).

I’m getting kinda crabby. Thus the purpose of this post.

I’m also really achy tired and get out of breath a lot faster than normal (which has been a bit scary). When I get off work in an hour I plan on letting myself sleep as much as I want without worrying about whether it will keep me up until 4a.m. I’ve been really emotional the past few days. I think part of that is being sad about Sandra.

Then last night I decided to do a little budget and was pleasantly surprised to see that we get paid three times in April…I was NOT so pleasantly surprised that my ENTIRE extra check will be going to pathologists, radiologists, hospitals, kids that live on poplar ave, and the pope. I was in a good place financially. Eight months after bankruptcy and all the lawyer bill is paid off and I could breathe…Now I’m overwhelmed at the thought that the doctor is going to order another biopsy and more tests on Wednesday that I am sure will cost no less than 600 dollars to add to the already 2000. It would have been nice to go to Lane Bryant and get a couple new shirts and a new pair of jeans…All I wear are pajamas and when I do wear real clothes I just feel like I have no choices…I know I’m whining but really was that too much to dream for?

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I am turning in my papers to the hospital for aid on Wednesday as well. After two weeks I should know if they accept that I am in need financially, but I have no idea what kind of discount that entails and I know it doesn’t apply to the pathologists, radiologists, and bike riders, that things are contracted out to…

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But I know I will be O.K. BECAUSE, of my God…

26 Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God . And you count far more to him than birds. (The Message) matt 6:26