I’m a Teenager

The way I see it having cancer is a lot like life; in that there are stages… First…I was a baby and was incapable of making choices…I was told to go into the hospital for a week and I went…where I was taken from place to place, woken up in the middle of the night for blood work and vitals…I knew nothing and trusted whatever I was told. Then I became a child…for the most part I was compliant…I did what was asked…showed up to all appointments, early…I for the most part waited patiently when the doctors were behind…I worked when I didn’t feel like it…and I was nice when someone had to stick me with a needle (I mean it isn’t the nurses fault I’m sick)… (can’t you just see the teenage attitude on my face?)Now I am a teenager…and I want to rebel…I know everything…I am at times indignant and angry…I can cry pretty easily…I do not want to go to my appointments…and woe to the one who asks me to wait longer than 15min after my appointment time…I need help with understanding my future and who I am…I’ve already been a teenager…I’m almost 30…I don’t need to go back…Exhaustion update: I am still really tired…My muscles feel like they are on fire when I walk much farther than to the bathroom and back…and I am getting short of breath very easily…Maybe my red blood cell count is low again?Being in the teenage stage that I am I don’t want to go find out if it is low or not…Maybe I am just too tired to imagine going to hospital, being stuck, waiting for results, and then waiting to find out what needs to be done…I would not take it well if I was told I had to get another blood transfusion (I mean that would take one whole day of my week off, stuck in a hospital room hooked to a machine, bored out of my head!)…and if I was told that they didn’t know why I was so tired I swear I would just cry…I mean it has been 3 weeks since my last chemo treatment (although it feels like a lot longer)…I would have liked to have a little down time feeling good and having energy before the radiation starts…I get a mapping CT on Wednesday (that is the long CT scan where I have to keep my arms above my head for over 30min pretty much topless)…Last month I was asked to have a CT (it was a shorter one)where I had to put my hands above my head (but I was clothed) and it triggered feelings of when I was first diagnosed…helpless, scared, and overwhelmed…I didn’t like it AT ALL…isn’t it funny that just being asked to be in a position can trigger an emotion/memories…Sometime soon after this CT…and after the Doctor looks at the CT and PET results…the radiation will begin…I don’t know exactly when…