Field Trip…

Later today I will be taking an exciting field trip…an exciting field trip to the cancer center…this exciting field trip to the cancer center is the first time I’ll be out of the house in the last seven days… This week has looked a lot like my Sunday looked…up for a couple of hours…NAP…watch a lifetime movie…NAP…eat lunch…LONG NAP…you would think with all of this NAPPING, I would feel rested at some point…YEP, NOT SO MUCH…This morning I did the most at one time that I’ve done all week…I took a shower, made biscuits in the oven, made scrambled eggs, and washed my sheets (mom helped me put them back on the bed because that would be too much)…then I crashed…but the food was SO good, I’ve not eaten regularly or very much this week and it all caught up with me on Saturday night, Sunday morning…I was starvin’ marvin’…Here is the thing…I’m not sure if I am going to be able to physically make it to the hospital on my own tomorrow…there is no appointment time because it is just for blood work, so I can take my time getting ready and hopefully feel good enough to drive…I am anticipating them ordering a blood transfusion (but I am going to get that early Tuesday morning after work IF I need one)…cause, oh yeah, this is the start to a work week…or a week where I will show up to work and do what little I can…My mom…worked so hard this weekend cleaning the house, grocery shopping, doing hers and my laundry, doing stuff out side the house, cleaning up dog poop, cooking a nice Sunday dinner, filling out applications for Christopher to turn in, doing dishes, baking cookies and brownies, being a greeter at church, doing more dishes ect…you get the idea, she was busy all weekend…I feel bad about that, all I can do is say Thank You when she does something for me I am unable to do for myself right now…and it just doesn’t seem enough…she has a lot going on right now…more than just my sickness…if I was her I would be overwhelmed…maybe she is dealing with it by being so busy…all I know is that she is doing the absolute best she can and I just hope she has someone she can talk to…her girls group is going out to dinner on her birthday (Thursday) and I hope it will be a great time for her to get away and laugh!I think support is SO important…unfortunately it is sorely lacking…at least in my world…support is almost non-existent…and I can’t figure out why…what is wrong with me that no one would care I’ve been laid up for a week…what have I done to break a bond or burn a bridge…cause I got nothing…and I’m serious…I want to know what is wrong with me…something has to be…there is NO other explanation…I’m hurt, that no one has even thought to ask if I’d like them to come hang out with me while I’m stuck here at home…I’m hurt, that no one ever OFFERED to go to chemo with me…I’m hurt, that those who live farther away have been missing in my life for the last four or so months and I don’t know why,….I’m hurt, that my life has become ROARINGLY loud with the silence of those I thought cared about me…I’m hurt, that someone offered to set up selling some of the amazing ribbons Robin made but never followed through…I’m hurt, that my friend sent me a card that simply said ‘Just thinking of you on labor day’ and signed their name (in the interest of super full disclosure, I opened the card read it and tore it in half, what the crap! thanks for thinking of me…glad you could fit me in your life)…I’m hurt, that my phone hasn’t rang in months from anyone asking how I am (save the one friend I am confident in)…I’m hurt, that my friends if they read my blog don’t comment (if my friends had blogs I would totally comment on what they had to say)…I’m hurt, that I’m not worth the effort…I’m really the perfect excuse to take a nap, just come over hang out with me and we can nap together…something, anything, would be better than the freeze out I am experiencing…if I didn’t live with mom, I would have had NO contact with ANYONE the last two weeks…it is hard to not take offense to that…it is also hard to watch tv and see how much people do for others and care for others when they are down and I have close to no support…What has all this hurt resulted in? that is a good questions…it has resulted in my being silent…walls have been built…bitterness has begun to build…and darn it I think I’m a great person to be around and am really confused about why I am not supported more…Maybe people think things of me that aren’t true…maybe people think I am high maintenance…I girl scout promise I am not…I have been thinking about how I feel for the past couple of weeks…I’ve been trying to search within myself and make sure I am legitimate in my feelings…that I am not over blowing something…I am confident that the evidence/lack of evidence in my life of support SHOWS this is not an over reaction to any one thing…I’ve also been thinking a lot about how to handle how I feel on an individual basis…do I let the people know why I am hurt…or will that just make it worse…because if I let them know then I can try and tear that particular wall down and try to be more open…if I let them know then maybe understanding could come…but what if I’m really nothing to them and it is just better to let things go…I think a few people might have a view of me, or the old me, or the younger me, that is expired, and haven’t taken the time to get to know me…I haven’t had a REAL conversation in MONTHS and I’m starving for one…Until you have to go to appointments by yourself….until you have to go to long days of chemo treatments by yourself…and have to see how supported and loved all the other people there are who have people to come and support them…you can have no idea how I feel…it is not feasible to ask mom to come to every appointment…she needs to work…and I refuse to take up anymore of her vacation time…and I don’t feel like it should be all her responsibility to support me especially emotionally…she is my mom, she loves me, she takes care of me…but she is not the emotional support I need and nor should she be…I’m her daughter but we are two completely different people…and she could never really give me what I need emotionally…here is a post from my friend robin’s blog…she has been laid up in bed the past three weeks from a surgery she had…what she wrote made me cry…made me envious…just the little we have talked she is a pretty amazing person and deserves all the love she is getting…maybe I’m just not amazing enough…and unfortunately the past year and a half…I’ve been getting sick, sick, or getting treated for getting sick so I haven’t had the energy to be amazing…although I try my hardest…all day today I have had this song stuck in my head… to the point of annoyance…I’d fall asleep and there is the song…I’d wake up and there is the song…I’d take a breath and my mind would take a break for a second and there is the song…I got up at 5:30 this morning because my sleep schedule is messed up (no surprise) and when I was laying there I felt God in the room…and I prayed just a little…and I heard him say…”Let me Love you”…well God, right now I don’t know how but don’t give up on me o.k.? because my intentions are pure…

Robin said…Hi April,I know things are rough right now, but please know that I think about you every single day. I keep you close in my prayers and so want everything to be okay for you. I often wish that I could split myself into several pieces and send a part of me to different places. If I could do that, I’d so be there with you, even if it’s to make some popcorn and watch a movie with you or to help you with your laundry or to take the doggie outside for a walk. I feel helpless because I can’t do much from 1500 miles away unless it’s to send a note or a card. Just please, please, please know that I’m here for you… whenever and whatever you need. Lean on me… I’m here. K?Love you.JoyAnne said…I’m sorry April, I’ve been focused on my own problems lately. I pray for you and am always happy to see a new post on your blog. Even though I don’t always comment I am keeping up with what’s going on in your life. I do care!God bless your mom, she is such a good woman. If I lived closer I would help out and give her a break.Amy said…April,I started a prayer journal this past weekend and wrote out a prayer for you that I pray every morning. Also, I want you to know that we really missed you in Sunday school this past week and prayed for you. I am so sorry that you are discouraged. I would love to come sit with you sometime and keep you company. Maybe sometime this weekend? It would be fun to get to know you better and see your cool room in person. I’m sorry that I haven’t been available to you, but I would love to start!Love, AmyShare said…Awwww, April. Please know that I think about you often! I am sorry that you feel like you are going through all of this alone. I would definatlely go with you to your appointments & stuff if I were there! My little MayBelle would cheer you up with her giant smile!Anonymous said…I validate your courage in putting this out there. I love you, my friend, and know that your niece is praying for God to “heal Auntie April of her flu”. Not sure why she decided you had the flu. : ) Anyway, without prompting, she prays for you regularly. I was getting Cole ready for bed when you called the other night, so I’ll give you a call today.