A Tough Week and Chemo #3

It is Sunday, and I had my 3rd chemo treatment on Friday…3 down 5 to go…ALMOST halfway…physically I am bone tired, and just a little sick…mentally I am in a much better place than I was earlier this week…Thank God…while feeling is sometimes hard and has been a lot painful, it is the only way to get to the other side… I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. -Mother Teresa This week has been tough…anxiety high…I miss my hair…energy drained… resentful/bitter/numb…hard to find a positive…let satan win, kind of week…which resulted in…Thursday morning making my first “call for help”…after my third ‘breakdown’ of the week, I asked if my pastor’s wife could come over and just sit with me…she did…she came into my dark bedroom, and sat next to my bed and was just there…I really needed it…I should have made a call like that sooner, but I haven’t, it is scary, it is vulnerable …I own having the destructive habit of silent expectations…the worst being, if my needs are not met by the people in my life that say they love me it means that I am not worthy of having those needs met…I feel that I am pretty open about what I need in my life…and don’t feel like it takes much to meet those needs…because they are simple, they are basic, and I refuse to believe they are needs that can only be met by finding a husband and making my own family…The the past few months I have felt pretty alone…yes, I have gotten an AMAZING amount of cards from family, friends, and new Swapbot friends…and our financial needs were met in the beginning beyond what I could have ever imagined…so don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, and a lot of what I am going to write about it is talking to myself…People are really good at triage…Oh, you have cancer, here is some money, here is a card, here is a hug…but as what naturally happens people have their own lives to get back to…people have jobs, people move, people serve in other areas of their lives, people have…whatever…but when I get less than one phone call a week asking how I am, or someone who ‘loves’ me hasn’t bothered to come and see me, or someone hasn’t offered to come and sit with me during my 7hrs of chemo, or to come hang out with me in the days after when I am SO tired I can do nothing but sit and watch T.V, and need someone to motivate me to take a walk around the block…I feel alone…And what I am talking about is not just when we forget a widow’s pain 6 months after she loses her husband…or a mother’s heart ache after losing her child, or the needs of someone who is homebound because of an illness they didn’t ask for…I’m talking about…In general…we don’t do good a living in community…the community that is so clearly marked out for us in the New Testament…I believe that a lot of the heartache and silent longings of our hearts could be healed by us living in community…dinners together, sharing life together, having each other in our homes, laughing together so that we can feel safe to cry together…forgetting the world and encouraging each other in our relationships with Christ…cause really what good are we to the world if we can’t live with our eyes open to the needs of our brothers and sisters in Christ? How are we really going to be able to see the needs of those around us that need Him? I’m a pretty firm believer in the fact that we need to be filled up before we can pour out, if we aren’t then what we are pouring out isn’t going to satisfy…who around you looks empty? I may be spending this week at home, in bed, or on the couch, too tired to do much, but I want to challenge myself to find someone I can pour into…it may be as little as sending my grandmother a card and a picture, but I want to challenge myself to more…The young adults and teens of the church are blessing my mom this summer with having a schedule for someone to come over and mow the lawn once a week…our lives are stressful (which can be exhausting) with my being sick and not being able to work full time and how physical her job already is, I can see the stress this has put on her life…and I have seen how this simple act of these generous people giving up a hour and a half of their week has lightened her load, filled her…it is a noticeable difference…I have a friend from college…she and her husband just had their first child…he has severe medical diagnoses and it is unknown how long he will survive…they have know of this since pretty early in her pregnancy…this has given her a lot of time to wrestle with God, and her feelings…recently in a note on facebook she has some things to say that reflected well how I was feeling… and with her permission I am sharing part of those thoughts here…(I am putting in bold the parts that spoke to me the loudest) “That my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.” Psalm 30:12 The Devil likes to make us believe we are alone in our pain, that how we feel is what is real. One thing I have learned and am always relearning is that my feelings do not determine my reality. Feeling in a place that is unreachable is not the same as being in a place that is unreachable. I am not alone. I will only be alone and unreachable because I am the one not reaching. And I am learning to reach. All the time, God has been waiting for me to realize something very important and take his hand to begin something. Life doesn’t begin again when this is “over”. First because it will never end. Our lives will never be the same. We will always be parents who have lost a child. But the question is becoming, why do I want it to be over? Why am I in such a hurry to not hurt anymore? Because hurting, well, hurts? Who wouldn’t want to get the heck out of that like greased lightening? But What if running away from the suffering, the hurting isn’t the point? Psalm 30 has become one of my favorite Psalms of late. Verse 11 in particular: “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” I discovered the other day, thanks Henri Nouwen that I have been reading it all wrong. Even though somewhere I knew my understanding was off, my heart tricked me into thinking it was saying “when my mourning ends, if I can just get through this rough patch, then I will dance”. Grieving and joy, mourning and dancing, I am being shown, are not mutually exclusive. I believe it is God’s deep desire to dance with us while we grieve. To teach us how He can use the suffering in our lives to create something in us, and perhaps even among us, which powerful and beautiful. And the good times, can really be only be good, when woven when these hard times. These times of hurt in our lives are not just something to get over and through and try not to think about. No. I am learning to stop waiting for life to begin when we can “move one”. I am learning to live fully right now. To smell, to touch, to breathe in every moment of this time with our son even though sometimes it hurts more than I can describe. I am learning to reach for my Father’s hand and let him teach me the steps.” Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. –Helen Keller

Joyce said…April, you are going through so much and need lots of hugs and lifting up but girl, you are the one touching me! Your faith is so strong.Letters Mingle Souls said…Such a great post… again, lots to think about. You inspire me to think and challenge myself, as well. Thank you.Much love and big hugs to you! ~RHeather said…Hi, this is Heather, supermommy49 from Swap-Bot. I drew your name in the “Check Out My Blog!” Swap. I wasn’t sure what to expect. But wow. You are an amazing and strong woman. I commend you for being brave enough to put your journey out there. I will be back 🙂