Please, Look Me in the Eye…

My perspective, as yours, is guided by our experiences… Having been large for the majority of my life, I am no stranger to having a distorted view of my body…I have become a skilled ninja in the art of dodging mirrors, or windows that reflect that I ,sometimes literally, don’t fit in…

As I prepare to go to a large conference next week…to meet a lot of people I have only ever communicated with on-line…I feel the need to share with you that sometimes I believe the lie that

I am not good enough…I am not worthy…

I have found that I don’t get looked in the eyes very often…especially by those whom I am just meeting… now, you may say, a lot of people aren’t good with eye contact and you are right…

The difference is, that when I am with those of ‘average’ size they are always looked in the eye…they are brought into conversations, and they are given a credibility I know I have to work harder to obtain…I have often felt like I don’t exist when in a group of those I don’t know well…maybe my size makes me hard to look at….maybe people pity me…or maybe, and more realistically, because of how I have felt in the past, I put up a wall and tell myself, I am not good enough…

You see, I wear my brokenness on the outside…it is there for all to see…

I don’t have the luxury of hiding it, or not acknowledging it’s existence…

I don’t get to take it out at home…it is there for everyone to judge, and I know it is judged, I do it with other people who are probably my same size…we all judge…that is fact….

Another fact?

I crave community almost more than I crave Dr. Pepper and people…THAT. IS. BIG…

When God whispered ” Child, I want to give you the desires of your heart” and I set out to discover what those desires were the first on the list was community…

As I continue to find my identity in Christ and I try to reflect to others their identity in Christ can I ask one thing of you that I will be meeting? Please look me in the eye…please draw me in…please do not allow me to hide in the fringes…not because you pity me or because you feel obligated, but because you want too…

I promise…once you get to know me you will love me…

I am funny (for reals), I am kind, I am insightful, I am a born encourager, I am genuine, I am goofy, I am a survivor, I am an aspiring speaker (shhh, we are still keeping that a secret), I am a truth (even when it hurts) teller, and I am a child of God…

but I have some hang ups…and I know you do too…I can’t wait for all the brokenness in me to get to know all the brokenness in you because God’s power is made perfect in our weakness…this I know to be TRUTH…and there is such freedom in the truth!

Carelessly,

April