Breaking My Own Rules…

First things first, go and check out my Go Fund Me campaign to celebrate 3 years cancer free and provide bags of hope for the future to chemo patients…just click on the button to the right to check it out…

I shared this last night in a Facebook community that has become a safe place for me, full of support, and good friends…I thought I should share it here, since I want this to be a place of honesty…honesty of my struggles and victories with mental health…

I’ve been breaking my own rule which reads:

“if you are struggling you need to let people know, because Satan wins when we are silent”

And I have been silently struggling for the past two weeks…I have two months of unemployment left before it runs out…the first few months of being unemployed I had such a peace about it all…God had this, I got laid off, I will find something else, and I am willing to wait until that job comes along…

Well after almost 4 ½ months of applying for positions, going to interviews, and not being offered jobs for a variety of reasons, the ‘I trust God with this’ has moved to ‘I choose to pay tithe, rent, food, phone, medication and car insurance’ and the rest will have to be as patient as I am being…

To discount God’s faithfulness through this would be wrong because while I have not been able to pay for every bill, he has provided in a lot of ways…the 3000 I owed to the hospital was forgiven last week, and from time to time I have gotten a babysitting or dogsitting job that helps for that week…I was one of the #startjoy ticket recipients to go to Jon Acuff’s Start Conference in September…and I have been humbled at his care for my needs physical and emotional…for example today I straight up fell apart, cried this deeply sorrowful grieving kind of cry…two hours later there was a message from Woman of Faith asking if I could volunteer at their event in Louisville next week, and I get a free ticket from it…God knows what my heart needs!!!!

I have been tired all the time, not wanting to get up until almost noon every day, and ready for bed early or a nap in the middle of the afternoon…not having a ‘purpose’ to my days has left me feeling lost…and I am just bumping around trying to find meaning in something! And I don’t leave the house for days on end because going somewhere means spending gas money that I don’t have and the temptation of the world is out there…

I am feeling numb, disconnected, anxiety moments (I haven’t had in years) and honestly ya’ll I feel so empty…so dry and cracking that no matter how much someone/someones would pour into me it might just take months before I was filled up enough to really give love like I want to…for example this weekend I am having dinner with our beautiful Libby for dinner on Thursday, and Friday my best friend gifting me a trip to Chicago to see Wicked, we are then spending the next day in Chicago…and you guys, I want to be excited about it, but really I’m scared, I would almost rather stay inside…what if I can’t have fun? What if I can’t really enjoy it?

If I got 10 hugs a day for three months I don’t know if that would be enough to make up for all the days I have gotten none…I don’t mind being single (really I don’t, I am content until when/if I find the ONE for me) however physical touch, and someone to share life with are not needs only for the married…

All this to say, you guys, I am struggling, and I am scared…and I am tired…and sometimes I just need someone I can cry too…unfortunately I don’t have many of those people in my life, so I clam up, I stay silent, until one day…until today when I have to get it out because I might explode…because even in this week of celebrating 3 years free of cancer, the happiness of that day can easily be clouded by the fact that it could be back tomorrow or next week, or in five years, or when I am 60…and living the rest of my life with that hovering over me is scary…

Did I find a solution to how I was feeling after writing this? No…but I did get a lot of support…I was told that I was not alone…that a new job will come again…that is was OK to be feeling this way…that I have people who truly care my heart is broken…and that made all the difference…I didn’t need someone to fix it for me, I just need someone to listen…

Is there something you need to stop being silent about, do you need someone to listen?

Share it in the comments, or shoot me an e-mail at aprilbest1981@yahoo.com…I would love to support you…

Carelessly,

April

I am beyond excited to share tomorrows guest post with you…it is AMAZING, and it comes in written and spoken word form…you do not want to miss hearing Viq’s voice!