No Room for Gray…

It is exhausting living in gray…I would love, once, to go to a doctors appointment and come away feeling like there was a game plan with a finish line in place…Unfortunately that does not happen…I was supposed to get chemotherapy #8 today…it has been postponed until Monday because my liver enzymes are again too high…This is a disappointment because I work hard to try and be able to still work while getting treatment and moving chemo to Monday means that I will be missing an ENTIRE week of work…which is essentially two weeks of pay, I just got paid today and will not get paid again for a month…it is overwhelming…when you get sick no one pays you…it isn’t your new job…everyone may say to you “Your job is to take care of yourself and get better” taking care of yourself doesn’t not come with a paycheck…and my car loan company or mom’s mortgage holders don’t accept payment in the form of doctors notes…mom tells me not to worry about it, she tells me not to feel bad that I can’t work…but it is hard not to feel bad…I feel so helpless…The last chemo laid me up for a week, …Read more

The Truth WILL Set You Free…

so I feel pretty good…emotionally, that is…the best I’ve felt in weeks…I’m actually feeling a bit goofy and that is fun (I wish I had the energy to go out and have a fun day)…and I think it is because I got all that I was feeling out…what I posted yesterday was exactly what I was feeling, and it felt so good getting it out…no harsh words…no condemnation…no anger…just truth…even truth that might not make me look good…like tearing a card up…I also think that with the truth comes clarity of mind…in just the day since I’ve written how I felt…I’ve found hope in things around me…a radio show on the way to work…a book I got in the mail to review (coming soon)…lines in a tv show I might not have found so funny I laugh out…and it felt good to be tickled like that…ect…I’ve always thought that being truthful in relationships is best…hiding how your feeling will NEVER solve anything…and lets all be honest…those things that we ‘let go, that we don’t bother with resolving’ are the FIRST things to pop into our heads the next time a conflict comes up with that same person…TheCOMPOUND INTEREST on those things we have …Read more

Field Trip…

Later today I will be taking an exciting field trip…an exciting field trip to the cancer center…this exciting field trip to the cancer center is the first time I’ll be out of the house in the last seven days… This week has looked a lot like my Sunday looked…up for a couple of hours…NAP…watch a lifetime movie…NAP…eat lunch…LONG NAP…you would think with all of this NAPPING, I would feel rested at some point…YEP, NOT SO MUCH…This morning I did the most at one time that I’ve done all week…I took a shower, made biscuits in the oven, made scrambled eggs, and washed my sheets (mom helped me put them back on the bed because that would be too much)…then I crashed…but the food was SO good, I’ve not eaten regularly or very much this week and it all caught up with me on Saturday night, Sunday morning…I was starvin’ marvin’…Here is the thing…I’m not sure if I am going to be able to physically make it to the hospital on my own tomorrow…there is no appointment time because it is just for blood work, so I can take my time getting ready and hopefully feel good enough to drive…I am anticipating …Read more

Have I Showed…

you my head lately? When I got my chemo on Monday it had been a little over a month since my last treatment…I asked the nurse if I would lose my hair again, and she said probably…in a week or two what little hair I have will start to fall out again…I have thought about just going ahead and shaving my head…but I think I will wait to see IF it does fall out…because if it doesn’t, I don’t want to lose the hair that has already grown back…These pictures are less than stellar (they are from my webcam)…and I apologize for that…Here is the top of my head… a few weeks ago it felt SUPER soft like a baby chick…now it feels like what I think an ostrich’s hair would feel like…and I don’t know why…I’ve never played with an ostrich’s hair before…it is a bit addicting to rub…Here is my showing you the side of my head… it is hard to figure out where to look when taking your picture with a webcam so my eyes look funny in this picture…This is my smiling at the last picture… AND…showing off my scars…I don’t know if I have ever …Read more